Gotta love 'em and hate 'em...!

Now to one of my absolute favourit topics as well as my second worst ennemie besides myself:

MEN!

Ever since I was born, I've had a fascination, love and alluring feeling towards men and boys. 

Whenever it was time for the little carrot-top of a young girl to be fed, men were called in, because only they could make me relax and eat in their big, strong and protective arms.

Yep, demanding and clever baby :P (Or picky to some people..)

Anyway my male family members sure got a lot of attention in quite a few situations as a little girl. Later on though my mom, sister and grandmother have become my closest allies.

I think the reason why that comment from gymnasium in Luxembourg (see "Anorexia") meant so much, was because it came from boys, my greatest idols ever! Whenever a guy talks to me, compliments or demeans me I react way stronger than it if it were a female! 

Their smell, attributes, voices, bodies, hair, sexiness, strength, protective/animalistic/confident nature... is sooooo alluring and fantastic beyond belief!

But this fascination sure also has its downside(s) under which I suffer quite a lot in everyday life.

With my interest and infatuation (as well as many years bad confidence) comes a great wish to one day have a decent relationship with a guy, who loves me for me and with whom I can be myself with. My previous relationships, or so-called flirts, have been extremely shallow and despite me developing strong feelings for some, I could never fully engage myself in it, because of how much I worshipped men, and how little I felt, I deserved to be given the pleasure of loving (and being loved) by one of them. 

I battle with myself every day not to think of them as being superior and put them on a pedestal, but instead try to be myself around them, treat and think of them as being ordinary people just like everyone else and realize that I should not be anxious when it comes to men and not try to perform or punish myself whenever I am not looking the best, being the best or portraying the best. Simply stay true to myself and acknowledge that men and women are different and that we look up to eachother, respect eachothers differences as well as similarities and simply enjoy whatever and whoever we meet when socializing with the opposite sex!

It is indeed a battle I myself will find extremely hard to fight, but I need to change my way of seeing other people, both for my own sake but also for others, for this type of "putting-a-label-on-people" (or "putting-people-in-different-boxes") is too destructive and a waist of time and potentially great relations!