Now to a huge part of me, that no one truly knows or understands the full of!
As the title, not so secretively tells, I suffer from anorexia and this has been a fact pretty much since I moved to Denmark, more precise early 2010!
To understand why I developed this psychological disease, I gotta go back to not only before I moved to Denmark, but to pretty much me at the age of around 6. Despite being very thin as a kid, suddenly my body changed and I started gaining weight! My parents loved spoiling us with everything from toys to foods and candy in massive quantities and even though I appreciate and cherish all they have given us through the years, this approach to show their unconditional and massive love for us surely wasn't and isn't the best!
Anyway food, candy, soda... became even more a love of mine and my sisters' so a few kg led to yet some more kgs...!
My overweight had always bothered me and made me sad, when trying on new clothes, watching movies with beautiful and thin girls/women or when bikinitime was coming... but didn't bother me enough to make me try loose some weight! This desire to become a smaller version of myself first came, when my interest in guys and men slowly grew! I had a guy during 5th and 6th grade, who really fancied me for about 1,5 years and despite starting a hateful relationship, where every breath he took bothered me, I ended up finding him beyond interesting and started developing equal emotions towards him, but chickened out because of both my insecurity and weight, as well as his! He too was overweight and therefor not particularly interesting to the girls and I sure didn't want to put any more attention towards myself and my looks with being "The overweight couple". So there I slowly started asking my dad for help with dieting, exercising and making my body healthier and prettier. My love for eatable things and laziness made me stop and break into old habits, be sad and start the healthy option again, fall back and that circle continued for a while, with no visible changes...
But the first time I really hit a nerve in my already low selfesteem, was an episode in gymnasium.
The bell had just rung and we were about to leave the classroom one by one through the slim door. Some guys were about the step outside the door, when a bunch of girls- including myself, headed in the same direction. The guys wanted to act like gentlemen, stepped back, made a directional hand gesture pointing at the door while saying "Ladies first" and so the girls before me started walking out into the hallway, flattered by the boys gesture. When it came to me wanting to step out the door, smiling at the boys, one of them stopped in front of me, said "You're not a girl", gave me a disgusted look and walked out the door right in front of me with the rest of the boys quickly following.
I was surprised at first but quickly turned extremely self-conscious, asking myself why I wasn't considered a girl like my classmates and realized they were referring to my body... I was devastated but didn't show much care to my surroundings!
Then in 2009 my parents told me and my sister, that we were moving to Denmark (see "The big move") and I rapidly freaked out and thought about the impression I myself had of Scandinavian girls from my visits to Denmark- Thin, blond, tall and beautiful and decided "This could be a new start for me! I have to loose weight and blend in with my soon to be friends in Scandinavia!" Little did I know, that this would end up being the real and final turning point in my attempt to loose the extra weight, as well as the beginning to a devastating and destroying psychological sickness- Anorexia!
The first couple of months were very succesful and a lot of fun! I enjoyed finally seeing the numbers on the scale decrease as well as my reflection in the mirror glow more because of my good mood and the healthy foods I ate! And most importantly my mindset was also healthy!!
Then we moved to Denmark, and I started school in the middle of the year in a class with (in my eyes) pretty, blond and popular girls and stunningly gorgeous guys! Even though I had lost quite a few kgs I still felt like the "girl who wasn't a girl in others eyes" and like the biggest of the girls, even though I know now I wasn't! I let myself get acquainted with my classmates and the other kids at the school for a short period of time, before me and my dad had joined a gym and I started working out even more then earlier. This increased fitness-fanaticism, that also continued when starting in the Danish gymnasium, led to me suddenly choosing to work out instead of participating in parties and other social gatherings and events, despite my natural social personality!
Something in my brain told me I could always be social later, but right now I had to focus on my goal of getting thin and beautiful. When I got to that point I was sure I would get plenty of attention and interested men chasing me, because that is the typical life of a thin, beautiful young girl! (In my mind at that point!)
After a while I found myself eating less and less to speed up the process and even sometimes not wanting to eat lunch or breakfast, because I was either too tired or felt a sort of rush and pride in skipping a meal and avoiding those calories! Less calories= bigger and faster weight loss!
These new thoughts constantly filled up more of my daily life and routines, and previous interests such as singing, shopping, colouring, playing Sims 2 at the computer... meant less and less to me, despite being a positive way for me to express myself and have fun!
Fun in general became a foreign word and something I hardly ever had!
But that didn't matter, because my classmates, family and acquaintances kept telling me how great I looked, how proud they were and how much respect they had for me! That feeling is indescribable and something I could feel full with, instead of eating and drinking!
At one point my parents sat me down and told me they wanted me to get checked at our doctor, because they started to get concerned about my obsessive training, continous weight loss, strange and ongoing routines and very limited diet. I sceptically agreed, got weighed, measured, checked and questioned by our doctor who thought it all seemed and sounded suspicious and like it was going in a dangerous and negative direction and ended up sending me to the "Youth Psychiatri Department at the Center of Eating Disorders", where I started on the 1st of November 2010. From the time I was checked at the doctors to the time I was weighed at my new treatment center, I had already lost 3 kgs, and after being thoroughly questioned, having my heart and blood tested they diagnosed me with Anorexia Nervosa, a very weak heart and damaged organs! I was speechless, shocked, surprised and in a general state of confusion.
Since the start of my treatment process I got even more sick, refused treatment, eating more, exercising less... I developed a massive hate towards everyone who wanted to "help" me, make me gain weight, getting fat, ugly and throw away all of the pain, hard work and misery I had been through loosing so much weight! How could they do this to me? How could they ignore my wishes of being accepted, being thin, perfect and pretty?...
At this point my eating disorder had so much control over my body, mind and life, that I deliberately lost extra weight, kept my feelings and emotions kept inside, to avoid being busted for throwing my food out, spending time at the gym or out walking instead of being in class and in every way possible counteract my therapists and parents! This is quite a more aggressive part of my sickness, compared to the one I battled with when not confronted by those who wanted me to gain weight!
My health at this point was so poor, that I was forced hospitalization! My parents who were both unemployed and struggling with me, demanded to have me hospitalized at home instead of leaving me with other caretakers I despised more than the devil himself, at the hospital.
So to avoid heart or organ failure, continuous weight loss... I was placed at home, in a chair, from 8 in the morning til bedtime, with my parents constantly watching my every move, preparing and serving meal after meal and all I could do was eat and obey. This immediately led to massive discussions, fights, late nights at the dinner table, lots of crying, screaming, running away for all of us!
Whenever I was more active than spending day in my chair like f.ex. being allowed to participate in grocery shopping, my parents and dietitian posted my activity level in a table and calculated the calories I had to ingest in addition to the rest... Of course no point of my sickness is a blast, but this completely isolated, controlled and monotone part of my life inside a small box of a leisure house in the middle of nowhere (at the breaking point with depressed, awkward, frustrating atmosphere), on the same chair day in and day out is probably the worst!
Despite finally moving to our own house, having my own room and much more light and space, the isolated life continued. With my own room and a big house with many rooms, came new habits.
Everyone at home started isolating themselves in different rooms, and except for my mom who I saw every time I had to eat, I didn't see much of my dad or sister, only at dinner time!
My "room" in the house became the kitchen, both because of me being surrounded by food that was both my friend and enemy but also because the kitchen tables were quite high so there I could stand with my computer and draw all day. Standing now became an important part of my day, because I refused to sit down and relax or spend time with family, except for "food time". I had read and learned that one could burn more calories by standing and that was exactly what I longed for, after pretty much having received pressure ulcers from sitting on my bony ass all day... A little bit of fun in a depressing story :P
In this period I also started self-harming myself. I could easily go into my room and knock myself out, which I did! I stole wooden sticks meant to stir coffee with at gas stations, broke them in half to obtain the cracked surface and started scratching myself till the blood ran down my cheeks and threw them out. An object I frequently used on hands and arms was a small parrot-porcelain figure I had (in a previous anger attack) broken. Every time I took it to hurt myself, I first had some doubts seeing dried blood at the edges, but ended cutting anyway, leaving a new and fresh layer of blood!
In my treatment in this department I went through doctors, psychologists, nurses, physiotherapists, dietitians and a variety of different therapy methods from individual therapy sessions, to both sessions with my parents and therapy sessions with 4-5 other families, to "Get-to-know-your-body"-sessions with the physiotherapist...
But I sure haven't been easy, and it took me over a year to gain a few kgs and getting a little better, before slipping back again... Therefore, when I turned 18 I was transferred to an adult psychiatry department specialized in eating disorders, where I went through a consideration/reflection session along with 5 other women, who like me weren't prepared to change our habits and gain weight to a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 20. Unfortunately we were all so sick and with twisted minds, that we ended up influencing each other in a negative way, where some people (like me f.ex.) turned even more sick and depressed, instead of using the groups members and the two therapists to help each other to fight the disease! :(
After some months with this kind of therapy and mental preparation, one had to decide whether to move on into an anorexia group, where you actually had to gain 500 g a week, work on your problems.. or continue on your own.
Most chose to continue there or somewhere else, but the rest including me, couldn't accept the conditions of treatment and since then I have been fighting all by myself!
My family believe I am much better both when it comes to my eating and selfimage as well as my self-esteem and confidence, but on the contrary I've never been worse!
My body keeps breaking down more, my mentality, self-hatred, depression, and feeling of total renunciation has never been as bad and dominant as now, and I believe if I don't soon start with a psychologist (who I have finally contacted) I will eventually shut down for good!
Symptoms received with anorexia:
-Daily headache
-Bad heart
-Stressed organs, especially my stomach, intestines, kidneys and liver
-Starting osteoporosis
-Massive production of Lanugo-hair all over my body
-Hair loss on my head
-Extremely dry skin, that leads to cracks that bleed and hurt
-Dizziness
-Blurred vision
-Bad concentration
-Bad memories
-Permissive bodyparts
-Bodyparts turning blue
-Bad blood circulation
-Constantly feeling cold
-Tiredniss
-Lack of energy
-Stress
-Depression
-Anxiety
-OCD
-Lack of menstruation for a few years
In general despite being young, and only having my disease for about 4 years, I have already rendered myself and more importantly my family and friends plenty of things, being dangerously close to death and destroying my one and only youth forever!
Just a few days ago I was interviewed for a new program on Danish television about eating disorders, hoping that all of us who participated, will open the public's view on mentally ill people and especially eating disorders, that is considered a self-chosen sickness! :(
The program will appear during fall on TV2, for Danish viewers and interested people :)
