Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Life is a struggle,
And that is true...
Not in a very long time, have I felt so miserable both physically and psychologically as I do and have done for the past time!
Every morning as I open my eyes, the first depressing thought hits me- If I can't fall asleep again, I am forced to face the fact that a new day has started! As I roll over from one side to the other, from lying on my stomach to my back and starting all over again, I get frustrated that my body refuses to let me dwell into minutes or perhaps even a few more hours of (often) dreamless nights, where I can let go of my aching pains, tired body and mind as well as my inner demons, eating me up from the inside...
The moment my frustration, my shame and guilt overwhelms me enough, I sit up straight in bed, sensing my body, feeling my back already hurting, my head numb, my mind dizzy, putting my shoulders back on their place after having dislocated themselves from a restless night, trying to pull myself together, stand up and get some clothes on.
On days with just a hinch of strength in my body and a slight motivation, I slowly put on my fitness gear and give it all I have in the gym, for as long as my body and mind tells me to go on!
Other days just taking the stairs or rising from the couch is hard and is followed by an overwhelming feeling of dizzyness, imbalance and close to fainting or my body collapsing...
Every day so many thoughts go through my mind so fast I don't know which end to pull in first, resulting in a giant chaos causing anxiety attacks, feeling of sudden emptyness inside, pulling some previously unknown feelings of wanting to end my life, hoping for something better somewhere else...
I hate myself, my body, my face, my personality, my smile, my weak points, my life filled with disappointments and wrong decisions, the years I have put my family through hell... I hate my own existence and sometimes wish to disappear so that everyone who knows me or would get to know me in the future could be spared the look and presence of me...
Every day I receive compliments and credit for who I am, how I look and what I do for others, but no matter how hard I try to accept what people are telling me, I simply cannot find the strength, courage or trust in others, to take it in and realize I am good enough and that people care... Because I simply don't understand how anyone can voluntarily be interested in spending a second with me, even looking at or thinking of me...
My body is shutting down these days and I don't know why, but I feel so imensly week and slow, while my mind is on racing speed..
How can this ever get better!? How will I ever accept myself and my presence in this world!?
Saying all of this makes me hate myself even further, when thinking about the documentaries I have recently seen, involving themes like soldiers fighting in Afghanistan, Chinese and Japanese people fighting eachother for territories, raping young girls and slicing up everyone in their way, military personalities getting killed during world wars and so on... The list is so long, not to mention thinking about all of those people fighting cancer, hunger, diseases, poverty...
I cause my own misery!? And still I cannot overcome my own psychological issues, despite having all the privileges to create a stabil, healthy and strong life for myself!
I am lost.... :'(
